Ten Best Lines from Comedy Films: “These go to Eleven.”

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!   People who don’t like socialism be advised and enter at your own risk.  There are a lot of Marxist ideas in here and I don’t want anybody getting injured from laughing at how crazy it is to live in America without them!

OK seriously, this is just a random assortment of lines and segments from films that I like so please don’t throw shoes if you’re disappointed with the writer for not spending more time on research, reason, or numbers.

Besides the only person who gets permanently hurt when someone throws shoes is George Bush, and sadly he can’t leave the country just now because he is wanted in sixteen states for torture.

( And by states, I mean mental states. Mine. And by torture, I mean the the horse’s mouth: . . .”And so during these holiday seasons, we thank our blessings.”)

But take my word for it; you don’t want to go there. Not even on a sunny day.

Please also note that the quote from “Best in Show” is at the top of this list because I liked the irony of having a slutty waitress from”Best in Show” in first place.

To begin, I thought I would start with  this one I found as I was editing, post-publication, just because squinting to remember that scene from Fargo will be a good exercise for when you have to try and figure out why I chose these quotes:

“For what? For a little bit of money. There’s more to life than a little money, you know. Don’tchya know that? And here ya are, and it’s a beautiful day. Well, I just don’t understand it.” —Marge Gunderson

10. (this one is a series of lines. ..I just didn’t know where to stop cutting and pasting.)

From Stepbrothers (Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly):

Dale Doback: You yelled “rape” at the top of your lungs.

Brennan Huff: Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, “Lets get it on.”

Doback: That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!

Brennan Huff: Look, I didn’t touch your drum set, okay?

Dale Doback: I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.

I am not sure what Brennan says back, but you can bet it has nothing to do with helping you figure out how George Bush ever slithered into this conversation!

9. From “A Day at the Races” (with Groucho Marx):

Random Stranger:  Are you a man or a mouse?

Groucho: Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you’ll find out.

8.  From “Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail” (with John Cleese):

I blow my nose achoo, English peegdog.  Your muhzzair was a hamstair and your fahzzair smelled of eldairberries.

Castle Stalker - 03

Image by leguan001 via Flickr

7. From Groucho Marx:

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

(not sure what film that’s from, or if it is even from a film. . .but still it’s a good one. If you didn’t get it the first time, just close your eyes and think of what happens to a banana on the windowsill all summer.  Did you see how the banana grew some wings and then went sailing to the moon?  If you did, then you have a MUCh better imagination than I do.  Close but no Tiparillo.  Try again and don’t go all the way to outer space this time.  )

7. From “A Night at the Opera“:

Groucho: “Get outta here before I get arrested.”
Chico: “Nah I’d like to stay and see that.”

The stateroom scene. Groucho says, "Is it...

Image via Wikipedia

6. From “Better Off Dead” (with John Cusack):

[Lane (Cusack) waves to two tree trimmers from the cargo hold of a garbage truck]

Tree Trimmer: [to fellow tree trimmer] Now that’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that.

5. From “Better Off Dead” (with John Cusack):

Lane Myer: [indicating to Mrs. Smith’s accident] Gee, I’m really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky, guess she won’t be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile

The contract scene between Chico and Groucho

Image via Wikipedia

4. From “Raising Arizona” with Holly Hunter (Ed) and Nicholas Cage (H.I.):

H.I.: Wake up, Son. [aims gun at the clerk]

H.I.: I’ll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got.

Ed McDonnough: [sees H.I. from the car] That son’ bitch. That son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!

H.I.: Better hurry it up, I’m in dutch with the wife.

Raising Arizona

Raising Arizona

Raising Arizona (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

3.  From “Fargo” ( ):

Marge Gunderson: Say, Lou, didya hear the one about the guy who couldn’t afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J3L2404?

Lou: Yah, that’s a good one.

2.  From “A Night at the Opera”(Groucho Marx):

This one has a Christmas theme!

Groucho Marx: Well, I don’t know, you must have been out on a tail last night. But anyhow, we’re all set now, are we? Now just you put your name right down there, then the deal is legal.
Chico Marx: I forgot to tell you, I can’t write.
Groucho Marx: Well that’s all right, there’s no ink in the pen anyhow. But listen, it’s a contract isn’t it? We’ve got a contract, no matter how small it is.
Chico Marx: Oh sure. You bet. Hey wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?
Groucho Marx: Oh that? Oh that’s the usual clause, that’s in every contract. That just says, it says, ‘If any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.’
Chico Marx: Well, I don’t know.
Groucho Marx: It’s all right, that’s in every contract. That’s what they call a sanity clause.
Chico Marx: You can’t fool me, there ain’t no sanity clause.

1. (with Catherine O’Hara)

Malcolm: I’ve banged a lot of waitresses in my day, but you, you, you were the best.

Cookie Fleck: You don’t forget the best.

–Best in Show

English: Groucho Marx & Eve Arden in At the Ci...

Image via Wikipedia

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